Those three weeks were a mix of bliss and stress.
I struggled with trusting the process. I tried to recite the same advice that I give out to my clients. He was pooping and peeing, happy, and sleeping the same. Still, I was second guessing myself and kept asking everyone around me if they thought he was okay. Every moment I was debating if I should feed him again. Everyone was so patient with my repeated questions.
Do you think he is okay?
Do you think he is still hungry?
Do you think he needs more?
I relied on the patient reassurance from everyone around me. My husband would answer my repeated questions and point out all the reasons that we could tell that our son was fine. No one was impatient with me. No one ever sounded annoyed or dismissed me. Everyone was on our team.
The day to day impact of not having to pump, wash equipment, and supplement breastfeeds with expressed milk was profound. Suddenly everything seemed so simple. There was so much time. I kept imagining little moments of my life as a movie scene. Do you every do that?
I imagined a scene where I sat perched on the couch with my baby nestled in my arms. He’s drinking from my breast with soft little gulping sounds, eyes closed and hands relaxed. A coffee cup is in my hand. Around me my older kids are playing, filling their backpacks with their lunchboxes that my husband has prepared in the kitchen behind me. Cereal bowls are out on the table, there is conversation and morning activity. The camera zooms in on me, the chaotic morning sounds fade away and are replaced by a happy little tune, the people and activity in the background becomes blurry but I remain in focus. I raise the coffee cup to my lips and take a long sip. I gaze down at my baby and smile. HA! Lets be serious…that moment would last about a millisecond before someone was inevitably pissed off at someone else because they put the toothpaste on their toothbrush first or sat in the chair they wanted.
In some ways the enormity of the relief I felt from not having to complete those extra steps made me more anxious because if this experiment did not go well I would have to start it again. I had a taste of freedom and I didn’t want to go back.
I continued to offer a dream feed in the middle of the night and pumped afterwards. We packed up all my pump equipment and brought it along to Pennsylvania for Christmas with my family. I wanted to have some extra milk in case ‘something’ happened. If it turned out that this little experiment was not successful I did not want to lose all the milk supply that I had worked to rebuild. That nighttime routine was a little security blanket that I was not yet ready to give up.
The incredible anxiety and worry that I felt the first few days of our trial decreased a bit as the days went on. Every wet and dirty diaper, every sign of fullness, every contented minute of the day helped to convince me that we might actually be doing it. Pretty quickly the day came, three weeks of exclusive breastfeeding and it was time to return to the pediatrician. Luckily the office always been on time and we were called back quickly. I didn’t have to sit in the waiting room stewing in anxiety.
The nurse measured him first. We lined him up on the table along the wooden yardstick and stretched his legs out. I could immediately see that he had gotten taller.
YES!
She measured his noggin. It had grown as well.
YES! YES!
I set him down on the scale. He had gained weight. He gained a freakin’ normal amount of weight! He grew on his growth curve and held his percentile.
We did it. Just shy of four months old we had figured out how to feed without needing the assistance of supplements and gadgets. Over the next few weeks I packed away all of the equipment we had been using.. I started weaning myself off of that extra nighttime pumping session, packed up the rental pump, and returned it. The only feeding gear left out was two bottles to be used when I was at work and unavailable to breastfeed and the pump equipment I would bring with me to my job. We visited the pediatrician when he was five months old and were able to confirm that he was still growing normally and thriving on exclusive breastfeeding. I came home that day and posted a notice on a local breastfeeding support group that I had milk to donate. I donated over 500 ounces of milk that I had pumped and stored during our experience. Where once I had a decimated milk supply, I now had enough to share with other parents and their deserving babies.
The nagging doubts and questions about his wellbeing have quieted. I can see clearly that he is thriving and happy. Breastfeeding has settled back into a no fuss part of our daily life. Its a source of nutrition, comfort, and socialization. A parenting tool that I have in my toolbox. It’s everything I have known it to be. Occasionally, I will moments where a memory of that time will pop into my head and this surge of tension and anxiety shoots into my throat until I quickly remember that we are doing well. We navigated the twists and turns, followed our map, and conquered our hard start.
At the time of this writing, my boy is 9 months old and thriving. We are at the beach for a family vacation and we are boobin’ everywhere we go. I find myself imagining how my daily life would be if we hadn’t overcome the feeding challenges. My vacation would look really different if I was still needing to pump and supplement. If we didn’t have reassuring news at that 4 month visit I would have chosen to continue the pumping and supplementing because it was the right choice for us. I won’t lie. I am thankful that we made it here and that I don’t have to.
I am grateful that I knew when I needed help, that I knew how to find it, that I had skilled practitioners available to me, that I could afford the help I needed, that I had the determination we needed, and that I had support everywhere I turned.
Here on the other side it turns out I was right.
I can look back and appreciate the lessons I’ve learned, the hands on experience I have with all these tools of my trade, the deepened empathy I have for my clients in these hard situations, the feeling of accomplishment and the strong relationships that I’ve built with colleagues in the area. I am better for what I have learned even though it completely sucked to go through.
I’ve put together a small list of some of the lessons I took from this experience.
Support is everything.
If there is one area that I have expanded upon in my practice it is definitely talking about the importance of support of the feeding parent. Honestly, support is a HUGE deal whether there are struggles or not. Support or lack of support can make or break a breastfeeding journey. I speak about it in breastfeeding classes, at networking events, and specifically in consults and care plans that I create for families. One of the most common questions I get is about when a baby can have a bottle so the partner can help with feeding. Here are a few other ways to help that, I think, make a much bigger and profound impact.
Wash the damn pump parts. Don’t wait to be asked. It’s not just doing dishes. It is facilitating the ability to collect your child’s food in a clean container so they can benefit in our modern world where separation from our babies is a daily reality.
Know how to contact an IBCLC. Sometimes when you’re slogging through trouble it is hard to reach out for help. Do it for them. Dial the number and hand over the phone. Help get an experts eyes on the situation as soon as you need it.
Learn about breastfeeding. Go to the breastfeeding class and ask questions. Learn about how to tell if your baby is getting enough to eat. Learn how to soothe your baby, change diapers, do skin to skin, babywear, etc. Learn which parts of feeding you can help with and do those things.
Show you appreciation in ways that are meaningful to your partner. Words, kisses, hugs, a milkshake that you picked up on your way home, etc.
Protect yourselves from discouraging influences. Let people know that unsupportive comments and actions aren’t welcome.
A Pumping station is a game changer.
One thing that really helped me was to create a pumping station. For me, the most convenient place was next to my bed. I had a tray set up with the pump, pump parts, a small container of coconut oil, a phone and charger, and a small touch activated night light. My husband would bring my clean pump parts up to bed with us and I was able to pump my milk and set it aside until the morning. He would take the milk downstairs when he went to make breaskfast, bag the milk, and wash the pieces so everything was ready for a new day. I was able to use that station the whole day. Sometimes I would move it downstairs to a table next to my favorite chair. Having everything together shaved a few minutes off the routine which really adds up during the day. It also just helped me feel slightly more put together which was good for my mental health.
More is better.
Once you figure out your preferred pump part set-up go ahead and get yourself a few extra sets. It really helps take some of the urgency out of cleaning parts when you have a few clean sets ready to go. While we are talking about it, there are a ton of size and shape options for pump flanges that can be found online. If your current setup isn’t working for you then talk to your IBCLC about other options.
Organize where you can.
I picked up a plastic basket at Target that I kept next to the sink. All of the clean pump pieces and feeding tools would go into that. It helped declutter my counter and pleased my structure craving brain.
Build a team that respects and supports your goals.
You don’t have time and energy to waste on people who aren’t on your team. If you are not feeling respected and heard from your healthcare team then it is completely within your rights to change it up. Also keep in mind that your goals may change. They may change many times. That’s okay.
Use the plan that works for you.
It’s really important that your path forward be one that you can navigate. An example in my journey was that ideally I would have wanted to use an breast supplemental nursing system to supplement our breastfeeds. It would have been the ideal choice in an ideal, magical world. It turns out that my son HATED that damn supplemental nursing system. It was a nightmare trying to feed him with that thing. One time I was so frustrated I threw that damn SNS across the room and it smashed against the window, spraying milk everywhere. We used a special needs feeder instead. It worked for us. We had to make a change that was feasible for our situation. If something in your plan isn’t working out then reach out to your care team and talk to them about it. Find out if there are alternative ways to accomplish the same goal.